Blend it all and What do you Get

Sometimes becoming a parent doesn't always happen in the most ideal way. Divorce happens quite frequently these days and remarriages happen which can be a great thing if you know how to make a good transition.

MORE VIDEOS!!

These are from Dr. Popkins as well but it's about becoming a remarried family but it also applies to those adoptive parents.

"What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced in your stepfamily?"
"Emotional Baggage"

• Take 1
• Take 2       

"Adjusting Expectations"

I really liked the emotional baggage part because it starts to explain just how complex things really start to become.

I come from a blended family and I remember when my step-dad became apart of our family and it really kind of threw things off balance for a bit. I was fine with him other than I couldn't sleep with my mom as much as I used too but I realize now how unhealthy our super bonds were. My stepdad had some fears becoming a father and never really felt like we were his I suppose and didn't want to over step my dad (maybe that's why they call it step dad). So we had a relationship but it wasn't really like I could hug him or go to him for things, I just sort of used him at times to get what I wanted. 

a while later they took in my dads niece and recently adopted her as their own. He was a bit more practiced at this point and more comfortable with everything so he was able to develop a really good relationship with her. possible because both of her parents have passed a way by this point. 

After my mission I found it really touching that he was actually was more loving and expressive of his feelings. He apologized for not playing a bigger part and not being able to get close to me like I really could have used. 

In class we watched a music video about a step-dad and it made me cry thinking about my step dad and just my situation in general and how I didn't really ever feel like that. It is a really good video though. 

 

Parenting

I learn best from visuals and hands on things and this week I watched some amazing videos about parenting. I am excited about all the things that I learned this week. This job I think is one of the hardest things that anyone will ever do in this life and there for one of the most rewarding as well.
Creation is just one of the most amazing things!! Here are the wonderful videos my teacher provided.

Session 1: The Active Parent 
Session 2: Winning Cooperation
Session 3: Responsibility and Discipline 
Session 4: Building Courage, Redirecting Misbehavior

It's all about fulfilling the child's needs and helping them succeed in life.
One thing I though was of great value when needing the help of a child.

First ask them with a polite request.. This will help them feel respected and feel of the confidence that you have in them
If they don't respond to that than you can do an 'I' statement. Like "I feel taken advantage of when I have to clean up after you because I am doing more than my share of the work. I would like you to pick up your things and take them to your room". It says it much better in the videos but basically using "I feel.. because.. I would like.." This lets them know how you are feel and why and what you would have happen. 

If they don't respond to that then use a firmer statement where it is simple and strait forward. "Pick up these clothes now." It emphasized very strongly not to lecture and go on and on about everything but giving a clear firm statement is best. 

In class we also talked about consequences for actions and giving options with consequences let them help make the boundaries and consequences for going out of bounds. Making sure that it is a logical consequence and that it directly correlates with the broken bound.. not paying their phone bill.. taking the phone away until it is paid. 
Just make sure everyone is clear on everything before something happens again so they know before hand the consequences to their actions before they choose to do it.   

Budgeting the Bucks

I have been learning a lot about finances and outsourcing.

 Outsourcing is when you pay someone to do something for you. 

Dual income house holds feels like there is extra money but when added up sometimes those very house holds could be using money from all the extra expenses that go with it. The more obvious ones are like gas and day care. But people are more prone to buy some food on the way to work or when going home. 

Sometimes it is needed though and having family help out could be very affected. With this in mind I do think it is very beneficial to have a parent stay home and raise the children. 

Budgeting is also really important because so many arguments are about money. 

this is something that I would like to do for my self so that I don't over spend and stay within limits that I have set for my self.

Something else really interesting that we talked about this week.

 "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?" 

Communication is the Key

Or is is?

No matter what we are doing we are communicating something. We cannot not communicate. So that is not really the key to good relationships but good communication skills will help you go a long way.

There are different types of communication
verbal
tone of voice
nonverbal

There are a lot of times where I have gotten and received  message just from being by someone.

Very little communication comes from the words that are said but more how they are said and where the person is looking or what they are doing that really tell about how they are feeling or what they think.

Family Crisis

We all know that every family has there issues. This week was pretty hard because my family has had personal experience with this. I recently wrote two papers about my family origin one for my family relation class and another one for my Family 100 class. I connected a Newtons cradle to my family and how the strings were my mom.. my dad and step dad the poles and the balls the kids. I also included my oldest brothers as the hands which kind of set things in motion.
In my other paper I looked at my family through the scope of the proclamation. I want to add this in my blog because it will help those understand my background and that even though I talk about making the perfect family I don't come from a perfect family but I love my family.

Family Roots

I.                   Demographics

I grew up in a small town in Utah called Magna. I have four bothers and one sister; I am the youngest. My parents got divorced when I was seven. I lived with my mom, who now being single, worked through the week. She decided to go back to school to be a nurse so she could support her six kids. My dad had made an agreement to pay child support, but not being able to keep a job because of his bipolar, paid it from his social security. The four youngest siblings, Jessica, David, Andrew and I would go to my dad’s house on the weekends. He lived with his parents so we had time with Dad, Grandma, and Grandpa. People told me I was too little to really know what was going on, so I wasn’t too affected. Family life was hard, but it brought our family closer somehow and has definitely shaped a part of who I am today.

II.                The Family Proclamation to the World

In 1995, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints came out with a proclamation to the world in regards to families in and out of the Church. It has helped me see where God’s family goals are so that I may also guide my life through this vision.

A.    Sacred Ordinances and Covenants

I have learned about how families can be together forever through temples. The document states that “Holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally”. This is only possible if those covenants are made in the temple and individuals keep those promises throughout their lives.

My family was sealed together before I was born. When my parents got divorced, they were still sealed together. When my mom decided to get remarried she wrote a letter explaining her situation and why she wanted to break the seal with my dad. Because of the circumstances she got a reply, and the seal was taken off so that she could be sealed to her new husband. Charles, my step dad, is a convert to the church, and when his year mark arrived they were sealed together for time and all eternity. This was quite confusing for the family for a time because we didn’t know who was going to be sealed to whom, if we were stilled sealed to both our mom and dad or Charles. I am grateful though that we have those solid links that keeps me hopeful that if I continue to follow Christ I will be able to live with family throughout eternity.

B.     Husbands, Wives, and Children.

Things weren’t always the easiest growing up, and it is true that I was pretty little. It didn’t really hit me as hard as the other kids at the time. God’s ideal family did not happen for us. We strived to have Family Home Evening, scripture study, and family prayer. My dad worked as a truck driver when I was young so I felt that our home was more of a matriarchal family, with the addition of my oldest brother Chris filling in the role of father figure.

i.                    My Father

I want to preface this with the thought that I love my dad very much and we have a great relationship. He is a different man from the guy I have heard about from my younger days. There was a problem because my dad suffers from Bipolar Disorder. Although, he only realized this many years after their divorce. Because of this, it was really hard for my dad to keep a job. His anger issues got him in trouble, getting in a range of fights with his boss’ and customers. So fulfilling that role of “Providing the necessities of life and protection for their families” was a struggle. My dad was also physically abusive with my mom and my two older brothers. It’s hard to feel safe with someone who is the source of fear in the home.

            My mom wanted him to get help and go to counseling but he refused. Dad did preside in our home but not really out of “love and righteousness”. With bipolar there are highs and lows. I remember him getting upset at cashiers or sometimes he would make silly jokes to them. It used to be pretty bad but now mostly he is just a funny guy since he has been able to recognize those bipolar moments. As I mention earlier, he has completely changed. One of the things that is so great about him is that he is a friend. I can always count on him. He makes me feel important and loved. I have always had a good relationship with my dad even when I was younger, so I’ve been told.

            Because of these experiences, I would really like to find someone who is able to provide for me and my family “in love and righteousness”. I feel if my partner were ever to physically abuse me I hope and believe that I would walk out at that moment. Now, I don’t know if that is rational or not. I might be overly sensitive to that or it might be a really good thing. My paradigm might be off.

ii.                  My Mother

I have mentioned a bit about her earlier, but I would like to go more in depth. She isn’t perfect, of course, but she is remarkable. She did a great job of trying to “establish and maintain principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities”. Of course trying to get all 6 kids gathered and interested with age groups varying is very hard. I think this is one of the great things about the proclamation, though, because it teaches us to accommodate and work together to achieve the goal of a celestial family. Not all of us kids could see it that way; arguing, fighting, and teasing were often outcomes. Family Home Evening, scripture study, and prayer did bring us closer together a lot of the time too.

            The rules she set up were inspired as well. We each had a night to cook, had a chore, and set up consequences for disobedience. The main one that is coming to my mind is the rule of taking without asking (aka: stealing), where we would have to pay back double of what we took, and if it was a package of something we would have to repay them with a whole other one. I really like this because one time, someone took one of my Creamies and I got a whole other box of Creamies! It was great when I was on the receiving end, but when I had to pay back my sister double of what I took from here it was a great lesson to me not to take things without asking.

iii.                My Siblings

I have always loved how the order of my siblings has gone; two boys followed by a girl repeated twice, with me as the youngest. We all play a part in our family. At times I really felt that we “Loved and served” each other, especially when we were at rock bottom. I felt that if we had to live on the street that they would let me sleep in the card board box. At other times, we probably really would have killed each other.

One of my favorite things we did as a family is something that my mom set up as the “Love Bug”; it was this cute little stuffed animal bug that had heart antennas. Whoever had the love bug would give a secret service and leave the love bug in place of the act then that person would pass it on. I loved this. I taught it to a couple of families on my mission, and it is one thing that I will definitely be doing in my own home.

C.     The Individual

All this information is great if we put it to good use. There is no point in giving counsel if it is not followed. For me personally, these things are so important to follow and have my family be guided by. It’s a great way for me to have a divine perspective to outline my goals in life. I know that I will also not be perfect, but I will try my best to start having family home evening, pray, and scripture study from the start of my marriage. This will help me prepare and have the habits to guide the little ones who are placed in my care.

III.             When All Is Said and Done

What a blessing it is to have the “Family: A Proclamation to the World” to be a staple for communities and families everywhere with such great promised blessings. I love this document as well for its powerful warning

“We warn individuals… who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nation the calamities foretold by prophets”.

I do not want to be one of the ones who contributes to the calamities of the world. Rather, I want to be “a responsible citizen” who “promotes those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family”. I will strive to do all I can to learn about the family so that I may be a tool in God’s plan to accomplish these things. 

I know that if we follow the proclamation we will be able to over come the crisis that come our way and as we develop working on correct boundaries and family systems we will find love and peace in our homes.

Here is a link to view the full text Family Proclamation

The "S" Word

I am going to try to be Sensitive about the Sacred topic of Sex. Most of the time we only hear about sex when it is on the television, in music, or the from our peers who take it and expose it like it's something casual.

It's hard sometimes to think about sex as a dirty or any of the other diminishing words to describe this Special thing. Although I don't talk down at it I do find myself making light of the subject (which is wrong) but that is how I grew up. My family talked openly and frequently about it.  This has made many unclear boundaries. For me it is really hard to know where the boundaries are and how I can talk with out going to far.

We can compare it to temples and how it is sacred and individual. If we continue to take it out of context in our own lives like the media has it won't be as great as it could have been.

Fathers and Mothers

The five things to do to fully engage your husband during pregnancy are pretty simple. If wives are able to involve their husbands through the process of everything. The first thing to do is tell your husband you're pregnant! That's maybe a little bit too easy but I would imagine especially with those who are unmarried they feel like they have more of a claim on the baby than the man but by letting them know that they are just as important as the mother. It's also really important that there are regular checkups for the baby and being able to plan around both schedules so that the father may experience the information and what he can do to help out. I also think this is beneficial so the father feels wanted and needed as part of the process. As the baby starts to grow I can’t imagine what that feels like and just being at a distant watching what happens to a women going through this process and being curious I can imagine how much more the father must want to know what is happening to his sweetheart and the baby that is forming. If she is able to express and let him in on how she is feeling, I bet he would feel more sympathy for her and it would bring them closer together. Especially during those times when the baby starts kicking to let the father feel and be a part of that bonding experience. The mother should also develop a good schedule of sleep and diet and having the husband participate would be a great way for both parents to prepare for the baby. 

Dating and the Journey to Eternal Marriage

What does dating mean to you? Isn't it confusing these days how you're trying to explain what's happening between you and someone you are interested in? They might say
"So I saw you the other night with someone how is that going?"
"Oh.. yeah we are just dating."
"How long did have you been together?"
"We're just dating.."

This can be frustrating. Sometimes it goes the other way were they mean dating as a relationship.. "We've been dating for two months now"    So does that mean a relationship or just been going on dates for the last two months??

Well it's important that we take the steps and enjoy the journey to a temple marriage. I think it is especially crucial to not rush the process.. THIS IS ETERNITY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT!!
We need not make it a race.

There is a wonderful article I've been talking up this week to my roommate and friends about this idea of casual dating. I really like this concept that has been kind of lost but it needs to be revived!
 Casual Dating is Alive and Well Take a look at this article about how we can have fun dating and get to know a lot of people. 

I'm someone who really likes the formal part of dating. A guy will ask me out and uses the word DATE with a TIME in mind and a PLAN so that I can be prepared. We discussed the 3 P's to dating Planned, Paid for, and Paired off.

Now I'm also a big believer in simple dates.Paid for doesn't always have to include money.. it just means that the resources are put forth. I also personally believe that if you asked you provide the means to the date. 

Planned means that there has been some thought that has been put in place, not just last minute hang outs.. THIS IS WHAT'S DESTROYING THE DATING WORLD! 

Paired off. This one was interesting to me. It's kind of obvious that dating is paired off but in comparison to the new "Hanging out" we can see a problem.. It's not paired off! This causes competition within groups and that is not good.

Group dates are great! pair off! plan something fun! get out and go out! 

Gender Roles. Yes, They Are Important

I started off this week, before I even started the preparation for my Family 160 class, with reading a post on Facebook that stated "..as part of national coming out day.I am a nonbinary pansexual polyromantic. Yep. Now you know. I guess". This is someone close to me and I want to understand her beliefs and values.

When I first read the post I really didn't know what it was saying because I didn't know what these new terms were and maybe you don't either so... (I'm going to go get them from wikipedia)

Non-binary: a catch-all category for gender identities that are not exclusively masculine or feminine—identities which are thus outside of the gender binary and cisnormativity. 

Pansexual:  is sexual attraction, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of any sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are insignificant or irrelevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others.

Polyromantic: Attracted to many, but not necessarily all sexes in a romantic way, but not necessarily in a sexual way. Not to be confused with panromantic, with pan- meaning "all" and poly- meaning "many" but not necessarily all. Used to disregard the idea that there are two binary genders or sexes. (urban dictionary)

A couple of thoughts on this post was that first.. What the heck is National coming out day. I was very surprised by this because so many people are "coming out" that they need to have a day for that. I think is problematic because if people do decide that they want to declare themselves as gay or lesbian or bisexual or polyromantic, they should be able to do it when their time is right or those who aren't might want to feel apart of something so they will 'come out' too just because it is what everyone is doing now days.

This was a great little personal introduction to my class where we discussed this matter. The most interesting thing was another video. I love visual education things.

Men, Women, and the Sex Difference  

The thing I found most interesting about the video was that a lot of these guy did not have the acceptance or approval of men but yet then why did they become attracted to them?  At first I thought it was maybe because humans are so sex driven that they would subconsciously become sex objects but my teacher explained something that I never knew before. around 11-14 people start getting non-specific arousal. When these boys who were excited about spending time with other boys and feeling their approval they would get aroused and possibly identify that with have same sex attraction. With the other boys who had the approval it was normal to them have fun and be happy hanging with their buds but when they would have contact with the girls it was a new feeling. 

This is really interesting that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has a youth program (as well as other religions and community groups have similar programs) that gives opprotunities to build strong relationships with peers of their same gender. It also is great that they have activities together to help guide and direct the youth to build and respect one another. 

Family Culture

So last week I learned about genograms and I was putting one together for my family. I wasn't too sure about what all the different boundaries meant, but I put in my best effort. While I was doing this my mom was close by and I asked her if it was a good depiction of our family. She was surprised about how I put her in the center of everything. I put three lines connecting us and she said "Apparently, you think we are too close". I said "Well sometimes I think we share a little too much". She expressed that she didn't feel that I overly shared with her but that she  probably shares too much with me.

I found it really interesting how we saw other relationships with the rest  of my family as well. Of course I don't know exactly how others relationships are especially since I am living away from home. My family has always been really close though and I do love that. Today in class there was a portion about how a family can be too close and have a barrier all around them, making it hard for others to come in. I think this is true of my family. I remember the time when my mom remarried and some of my older siblings had a really hard time with it and pushed him away. It has gotten better since then but you can still see a little bit of a rigid barrier around my step-dad.  

Each family can have a culture. Ours was very strong and in class we've talked about some unspoken rules.. one really good example of this was with curfew. It was understood that curfew was 9 but it wouldn't matter if we were a little bit late. One day after Charles (my step-dad) joined the family I got home just a few minutes after 9 and he made a big deal out of it. My mom backed him up for that night and explained to him that was not what we were used to  

What You Do Matters

We are all our own individual with our own set of skills and interest. Sometimes we just go about our life just doing what we do not really thinking how it's going to affect anyone. What each of us do really does affect other people. Especially with the ones who we are closest with. For example, my brother recently decided he wanted to get a job at his wife, not only does this change a balance in his old work environment but puts a new balance in his new work place; not only that, but his relationship with his wife. 

Sometimes there is an unbalance in our lives that we want to come to an equilibrium with in ourselves and the world around us. I found it really interesting about the equality theory that if we balance the cost and rewards of situation. We can see this when someone cooks and someone else will do the dishes but if they don't then we might stop cooking for them.  

I believe the children are our future

This week I had a great opportunity to watch a documentary about some demographics that are happening here is a link.
The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter, Part 1
The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter, Part 2 
What I got from this is that we NEED our children. It mentions how the desire to have children has decreased dramatically. This is going to cause so many downfalls. One of the things that worries me is because our replacement rates are going down  (2.13 needed in order to continue to have population growth) Our population is getting more top heavy.. meaning that there are more elderly sticking around then more babies coming down for the journey. I don't have anything against old people but this is concerning because it is our youth who take care of the older generation with social security funds meaning if there are less people than the people who need to be taken care of we are going to have a really hard time doing this.

Another thing that I didn't know and really stuck me was the Baby Boomer talk. It is said that the baby boomers are the most educated generation. What we want is to be able to have smarter generations replacing the previous generation. Now this was the case up until now. This is scary because the baby boomers are starting to retire and are being taken out of the work force and are being replaced by a younger generation without as high of an education over all and less of a work ethic. This will have a big affect in the work place.

I highly suggest watching these videos it's really interesting to see what's going on and forecasts for the future and how we can continue to learn and influence the world around us for good.